Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm having to shit out rocks
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
