nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
