Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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