My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize