just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
