I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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