I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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