Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
