explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
vagina is talking i cant
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
