Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
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