I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
