i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
