Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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