ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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