ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
