I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
