Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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