I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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