cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
