I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
3pm strippers are depressing
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
