Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize