im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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