Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
