You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
