I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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