why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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