just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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