mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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