Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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