i just snorted my name. best moment ever
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
