I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
