We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
