i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Randomize
