home. puking in laundry basket.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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