For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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