i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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