U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How's work?
Spinning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
