i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
