I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
