I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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