I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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