My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
