This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
