Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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