I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
