I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
