walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
