Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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