and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
