he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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