Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
