Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
