She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
