You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
