he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
that is very illegal...i love you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
