You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
