The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
