Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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